


You can't just pretend it's all ok

by gh0stlychances



Category: Half life but the ai are self aware
Genre: Anxiety, Body Horror, Depression, Horror, M/M, Married Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), PTSD, Surreal, Surreal horror, more to come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27751723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gh0stlychances/pseuds/gh0stlychances
Summary: Gordon isn't entirely sure where he's supposed to go in life after the events at Black Mesa. Good thing his life has always been too unpredictable. Or is that a bad thing?
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	1. Morning Routine

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic for HLVRAI? What's funny is I have 3 other fics in my queue but oh well. this kind of had a lot more room for me to tinker and toy with quickly. I do have half of the next chapter already written, I just had to get home from work to post this chapter first.
> 
> Also thank u Keri for pushing me to write this.

Gordon got out of bed, idly pitter pattering his way through his morning routine. Get up, go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, throw his hair in a messy ponytail (it was rather difficult with just one hand), and go wake Joshua up to make sure he brushed his teeth. Once that can be taken care of, then he can go and make both of them breakfast. They were low on groceries--have been for a few days now. It was the last of their eggs it seems. And really it was only enough for the two of them to share by counts of Joshua was only really interested in a couple of bites before running off to go play.

Once Joshua was fed and off, Gordon had to direct his attention to what he didn't want to do. He had his computer at the table despite his old rules of no work at the dinner table. He pulled up his job resume and had to look over it again for the fifteenth time this week. He told himself he had to look over it and update it. But every time he did, he didn't know how to describe his time being an employee for Black Mesa.

But the longer he took, the less groceries they had.

Maybe he could find a part time job that didn't need a doctorate's in theoretical physics. What about a nice, safe job working at a grocery store? That would be nice, wouldn't it? Most  _ normal _ people did that! That's all he wanted! A  _ normal _ life now. No more Black Mesa. No more scientists. No more plaguing memories of what happened to him at his last job. No more--

The phone rang. He closed his laptop, having only added a space on his resume. But it was a hard work's done.

He answered, clearing the morning grogginess out of his voice. "Hello? This is Gordon Freeman."

"Hello, Mr. Freeman!" It was the voice of the chipper and young sounding, Tommy. He hadn't heard his voice in a good while. "I found your phone number! It was kind of really hard. Dr. Coomer said I should've looked it up on… on Wikipedia or like uh… maybe you had it on your passport but then I remembered we destroyed those and, and…"

Tommy was rambling and Gordon was feeling his stomach twist and clench. "Tommy, Tommy, it's ok. How are you? What's going on?"

"Oh! I'm doing good, Mr. Freeman! I wanted to invite you and your son out to lunch this weekend. We are uh... still deciding where to go but we thought it would be fun to get all together, Mr. Freeman!" Tommy at least sounded in good spirits.

But Gordon had to really consider it. He needed to finish his resume and find a job still. He needed to make sure Joshua was taken care of. He couldn't go to the others and tell them he was struggling to figure out what to do now. He also… wasn't entirely sure he was ready to see the others again. Seeing them again would bring everything back up. The clones, the prototypes, the time freezing, the…

He didn't want to think about  _ him _ right now.

"Sure… I think Joshua would love to meet you guys, actually," he decided. He wasn't going to let  _ him _ spoil his son having a good time. And… he wasn't sure if it was fair to the others to blame them for what others did around them.

"Great! I'll call again when we think of what or where we wanna eat at, Mr. Freeman!" Tommy sounded like he was beaming. There was a sound on the other side that was like a dog barking. "I gotta go walk Sunkiss for his morning walkies! Bye, Mr. Freeman!"

"Alright, have a good day, Tommy," Gordon smiled a bit, "I'll hear from you soon."

He hung up and gave a slow sigh. He had to relax his shoulders. Gordon didn't realize how tense his jaw was till he had to physically relax it. He was just on edge.

He had to focus on something positive!

He moved to where he saw Joshua coloring on some pieces of paper, kneeling down next to him at the coffee table. "What'cha drawing there?"

He looked over the artwork as Joshua babbled some nonsense. He could see it was a lot of scribbles. But, as a professional father who studied his kid's artwork like hieroglyphics, he could make  _ some _ sense. He saw the yellow swirl on the top of the paper, probably meaning the sun. He saw an orange square that was long and colored in. Perhaps that was him? And he saw there was a smaller blob, and that  _ had _ to be Joshua! He smiled, ruffling his kid's hair.

"You're a true Da Vinci, Joshua. When you're done, I can hang it on the fridge!" He grinned to Joshua.

_ Looks a bit shit. _

His skin crawled as he felt like he heard  _ his _ voice. But he couldn't be certain. His eyes were darting everywhere, trying to look for the source. His palms were clammy and he felt a cold chill run up his spine.

But he didn't see him anywhere.

He swallowed thickly and gave a shaky smile to his son that stared at him.

He spent the rest of the day letting time slip away from him. Stare at his resume during "work hours". Watch Teletubbies with Joshua during his lunch break. Stare at his resume more. Make the cup mac-n-cheese for Joshua for dinner while he had some toast. Stare at his resume once Joshua went to bed. Go to his own bed at 3AM.

It was a sort of routine he'd made for himself. It was easy. Well… easy in a way of just letting time slip from his fingers.

Before he knew it, it was morning.

Gordon got out of bed, idly pitter pattering his way through his morning routine. Get up, go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, throw his hair in a messy ponytail (it was rather difficult with just one hand), and go wake Joshua up to make sure he brushed his teeth. Once that can be taken care of, then he can go and make both of them breakfast. They were low on groceries--have been for a few days now. It was the last of their toast it seems. And really it was only enough for the two of them to share by counts of Joshua was only really interested in a couple of bites before running off to go play.

He pulled out his laptop, opening it to his resume. He felt guilty. He should seriously work on it. He needed to add to it and make it ready to present to an employer. It's hard to type with one hand.

But he managed a word!

_ The _

He's done more work than he had all week. Really, he should be prouder of himself. But he wasn't. This was pathetic. He felt horrible. Guilt was eating him from the inside out. He did an entire dissertation before! Why was a simple resume so god damn hard?!

He wondered if he could get a cool job where having a gun for a hand would be useful. He had to detach the gun when he came home, not wanting to accidentally shoot something in his home. It just wouldn't be safe to have a gun around a child.

It just wouldn't be safe to have a gun for a hand.

He paused for lunch, making Joshua a tortilla with just cheese inside. He skipped lunch. But the Teletubbies were fun! Po was running all over playing hide and seek. Lala was hiding behind a tree! Dipsy was hiding behind another tree!

Tinky winky didn't look right.

He was staring at a wall. He wasn't moving much. Then he was. He bashed his head into the wall. Then again. Then again. Then again. Purple bubbles came from where he bashed his face at. He looked to Po slowly, his mouth unhinging wide.

**Gordon Freeman, where's your passpo**

He screamed. He truly utterly screamed, throwing his remote at the tv. The screen cracked and shattered, revealing through bits and pieces Tinky Winky was hiding under his bedsheets all along.

Joshua was crying.

He consoled his child, holding him close as he uttered too many apologies. He didn't know what happened. He just knew his blood was cold. He was horrified. And his hand wouldn't stop shaking.

He decided after lunch he didn't want to do his "work". He decided, instead, he would do Joshua's laundry. The kid needed a clean shirt after spilling his apple juice on himself. Laundry was easy to start. Just push clothes through machines who do the work for him. But once they were done two hours later, it felt impossible to fold the clothes. So, they lived in a basket till each pair of clothing got to the dirty clothes basket. And then that dirty clothing basket would be pushed into the laundry to be the "clean basket" now.

A cycle he felt like he was living through.

At least with a clean shirt, he felt like Joshua could play better.

He didn't realize it was dinner time till he was serving Joshua another cheese tortilla. And he didn't realize it was 3AM till his eyes were burning and demanding he rest.

He slept hard. Then he woke up.

Gordon got out of bed, idly pitter pattering his way through his morning routine. Get up, go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, throw his hair in a messy ponytail (it was rather difficult with just one hand), and go wake Joshua up to make sure he brushed his teeth. Once that can be taken care of, then he can go and make both of them breakfast. He hummed as he stepped into the kitchen, walking past Benrey to see if they had any coffee left. Didn't seem like it. They were low on groceries--have been for a few days now. But at least the smell of food cooking urged him to get through the morning routine. He was a bit excited to have some pancakes for breakfast.

"Yo, how come you don't have any milk left?"

He stopped. He stood straight. He turned 90 degrees to his left.

Benrey was standing there exactly how he remembered him--save for the silly apron he was wearing.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!" he shouted as everything hit him like a truck.


	2. Take your helmet off and relax a bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooooo chapter 2 I haven't written this much in a while omg I'm just glad I could actually get this pushed out

He wouldn't leave.

Gordon stared in raised agitation as Benrey ate his breakfast. Even the way Benrey cut his food was just pissing Gordon off. He was too calm. He was too relaxed. 

"So like, haha, I chilling and I had to like. Haha Joshie you look like your dad." Benrey didn't seem to have a clear train of dialogue ready.

Joshua babbled something at Benrey, holding his bite of pancake up at Benrey before shoving it in his mouth. Benrey couldn't help but laugh and pour more syrup on his food.

"His name is Joshua. Not Joshie," Gordon grumbled.

"Hey, hey, Joshie Josh Joshington is just having fun. You don't gotta like, be mean about it!" Benrey held his hands up in defense.

"I do because that's not his name, either! What are you even doing here?! Why are you in my house?!" Gordon demanded, "Where'd you even get pancakes from?! Did you break in?! No, no, you probably just used your weird alien powers and just went through the walls… but why  _ my _ house?! Why  _ me?! _ "

"Cause you had syrup?" Benrey shrugged, holding up the syrup as evidence and as a perfect exploration for  _ everything. _

"No, no, you need to leave. You gotta go. I can't… you can't stay here. You can't stay around here. Around my son. You need to leave," he had to rub one of his temples as he felt stress and anxiety hit him so directly.

"What? No, I gotta finish my food, dude. Don't be mean, I gotta finish my food," Benrey feigned a look that was upsetting.

"No! Benrey, you can't stay! That's just how it is!" Gordon felt exasperated. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe he was really here again in his life. Why him?! Why his life?!

Benrey finished his pancake but shot out blue bubbles onto his plate when he was done. Joshua tried to poke his fork at the bubbles before Gordon was quick to reach over and stop him. 

He sighed, standing up and taking the finished plates to the kitchen to clean up what he could. As he cleaned up, he heard Benrey talking to his son. He wanted to just bang his head against a wall. He didn't think he could force Benrey out. He felt like he knew that if he tried to fight him, it would just get ugly.

"Hey, why's your place all messy? Your tv is broken?" Benrey poked his head in the kitchen. "Are you actually a stinky boy? Do you live like this all the time? Did you shoot your tv with your gun hand?"

"No, Benrey, I'm just… things have been tough lately, that's all. I mean! It's kind of hard to fix a broken tv when you have only one arm! I'm not left handed, after all!" he had no patience for Benrey's questions right now.

"Ok, well, your place sucks," Benrey stood against the doorframe.

"If you don't like it, you can just leave! You can leave and I want you to leave!" Gordon threw down a plate into the dishwasher.

"Hey, man, why are you so mad at me? Geeze, remember when we used to be friends? What happened?"

"We were never friends, Benrey! Never!" Gordon turned over his shoulder to glare at Benrey, "What do you want?! Why can't you understand that we weren't ever friends! It's your fault my life is a disaster right now! Why are you back?! Are you just here to make things worse somehow?!"

"That really breaks my heart, Gordon, it's like you're blaming me about your hand still…" Benrey looked like he was feigning a hurt expression.

"Because it  _ is _ your fault that my hand was cut off! It's your fault! You told those soldiers to attack me and jump me!" Gordon pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Well… you know it's your fault you were wearing that … that ugly orange suit!" Benrey pointed a finger at Gordon, "I didn't tell you to wear it! You wore it and you didn't even have your passport!"

"If I have to hear one more time you asking me about my god damn passport, I'm going to throw this sink at you!" Gordon nearly shouted, his son in the dining room being the only reason he's not shouting at the top of his lunges.

"Man, we used to be so cool… now you're just Gordon Feetman," Benrey crossed his arms. 

"I don't have time for this. I don't! I have actual things I need to do today and you're not getting in my way of them! I'm not going to stand here and just entertain you all day. Leave or just stay out of my way," Gordon sighed as he closed the dishwasher, running it before moving past Benrey.

He had plenty he had to do today! He had to push his own laundry through! He had to put away Joshua's laundry! He had to sweep the floor! He had to work on his resume! He had to finally go grocery shopping! He had too much to do!

So he went at it. He went into his own room, collecting the laundry all on the floor of his closet and the laundry on the floor of his bathroom. They got dumped into a basket one by one till he could drag the basket to his washing machine. He ran a load of the laundry before moving on to his next thing.

He practically seethed at Benrey the entire time he put Joshua's clothes away. Benrey was sitting with Joshua coloring in his room. He could see both of them were drawing some nonsense. Benrey's a grown adult and didn't seem to know how to draw a house and a sun.

Was Benrey a grown adult? He was like… an alien god, wasn't he?

Whatever.

He swept the floor rather awkwardly with one hand. He didn't think that'd be something to trip him up but it did. Maybe that's why he hadn't swept as much as he was supposed to lately. But he did it! He did it with so much spite running in his veins. He's  _ not _ a stinky boy!

Then came the hardest part. The resume. He opened his computer and stared at it. He had to formulate a sentence. Anything. Think of something! You wrote a ten page paper before! A paragraph about your thesis in theoretical physics! It should be easy!

"Hey, are you signing up for something?" a voice came over his shoulder.

Gordon nearly shot out of his seat. "No! Yes?! I'm--! I'm trying to work!"

"But I thought you don't work anymore?" Benrey raised a brow. Gordon was a bit dumbfounded on how he knew that.

"What do you mean? Why do you know that?" Gordon demanded out of him.

"Because you're not at Black Mesa no more? Black Mesa was your job and it all fell apart?" Benrey spoke like it was obvious. "Haven't seen you there for a while. Unless you're actually just on vacation?"

"Yeah, well, this is the crummiest 'vacation' I've ever had…" Gordon sighed slowly as he sat back down to look at his computer. He started trying to type, trying to look busy.

_ The time I sp _

"Hey, yo, do you have any snacks?" Benrey sat himself down next to Gordon. Very close next to him.

"No, let me work. I'm very busy," Gordon sighed.

"Ok, well, you're typing really slow with just one hand so like, you should hurry up so we can play some PS+. You know, uh, we could have fun together and play games and…"

"No, I'm not. I'm not going to play PlayStation with you. I'm busy. Don't you get that? Like… you can't just barge into my home after everything and expect me to be cool with you."

"What? But dude, that really hurts. I'm just here trying to be nice and you're here being all mean. Really hurts, Gordon, that's not cool."

"What's not cool is being a literal like! Eldritch horror or whatever you are!"

"Hey, what? It's just because I looked different? Gordon that's  _ really _ not cool, man!"

"No, like… you almost had us all killed! You almost had  _ me _ killed twice! Do you not get that you did a lot of bad things, Benrey? Like tell me, do you know you've done bad things. Tell me right now." He had to turn his full attention to Benrey now to get a straight answer out of him.

"I mean maybe probably? Gordon you look like you're about to grow old with how mean you look," Benrey gave a half smile, "But like, you know  _ you _ did bad things, too? That's why we're the same!"

"We're not the same--" but he stopped himself. He still couldn't sleep remembering lives he took. Lives he took off Benrey. Destruction he caused. Destruction he caused Benrey. He looked Benrey up and down and sighed. "You're really not leaving me alone, are you?"

"We're going to play some PS+?" he smiled in a hopeful way. 

"I don't have a PlayStation. But…" he looked Benrey up and down before sighing, "Look, if you're gonna stay, can you at least take your boots off? You're tracking dirt in and I just swept the place."

"Why? So you can look at my feet, Gordon Feetman?" Benrey smirked.

"What? No, look, I mean it. Why are you in a full security guard get up in my house? You're not at Black Mesa anymore. You can take at least the vest and helmet off, you know…" Godron gestured to his helmet.

"Uh… no I can't," Benrey moved his hands up to grab the bottom of his helmet, holding it on his head protectively.

"Why not?"

"Because… I didn't plan on you telling me to take my clothes off? I've never taken these off. It's part of my look, you know?"

"No, I don't know. What are you talking about? You've never taken these off? How do you bathe?" This was getting ridiculous.

"I mean I bathe I just don't take these off? I mean like… this isn't… I didn't make myself ready to have my clothes taken off. This dude is just easiest to wear and…" Benrey seemed a bit unsure of how to explain this mess of an explanation.

"Easiest to wear? What? What? Benrey, can you take your helmet off, yes or no?" Gordon just needed a straight answer.

"No. Not unless there's something to cover the texture of my hair."

"The texture of your--Benrey, I don't think I get what you're talking about?"

Benrey gave a pensive look but finally obliged. "Fine, you did this to yourself."

He worked slow, Benrey pulling off his helmet to reveal… something Gordon couldn't comprehend. Bright magenta and black squares in a pattern of something that was sparking and rapidly moving. Part of it fell to cover half of Benrey's face, causing that section of his face to warp and jitter. When Benrey turned to put his helmet on the table, his eyes multiplied in a line like a light streak that followed his movements. 

Gordon felt his stomach drop. "Uh--! Welp! Let's get you a hat, then! Put your helmet back on!"

"Told you," Benrey sighed as he took the helmet, putting it back on his head.

"Does that happen if you take anything else off?" Gordon was a bit scared to ask.

"I mean… probably? I haven't exactly tested there. Feels like it should." Benrey shrugged as he turned his attention to his vest. "I mean… are you trying to get me naked? Aren't humans supposed to go on dates first?"

"No--I'm--! Look, what I'm concerned about is getting you to take a bath or something!" Gordon defended despite the tint of his cheeks, "You should really bathe!"

"Well… can I use your shower and try for myself?" Benrey looked to Gordon.

"Sure, sure… here, I can show you where it is," Gordon spoke as he stood from his chair before looking back to Benrey. The two headed down the halls, leading him to where Gordon's bathroom was. "Joshua takes his baths here so like, just don't wreck his bath toys, ok?"

"Sure, bro, don't worry!" Benrey nodded, "No promises since I am like… an alien god or whatever you guys want to call me."

"What are you, exactly? What do you call yourself, then?" Gordon arched a brow.

"Benrey?"

"You know what? Fair enough. I didn't think I'd get a different answer…" Gordon nodded before moving to the showerhead to point it out. "Left to cold. Right for hot. Towels are in the cabinet. When you come out, I guess you can borrow some of my clothes. And I'll try to find you a hat."

"Weird, I get to wear your clothes? Bro, bro, I bet they won't fit on me  _ at all. _ " The sort of glee on Benrey's face had Gordon wanting to roll his eyes. But he didn't, trying to be somewhat polite.

"Just uh… good luck? I'm sure it'll be fine! Why would it not be fine?" Gordon forced a smile. He left Benrey to it as he moved down the hallway, back to the living room where he sat in front of his broken TV.

Honestly, he had no idea what he should do. Benrey wasn't leaving him alone. Benrey was a horror. His son was just down the hall playing with what sounded like his toy cars given every  _ clack _ he heard once in a while. He just didn't know what to do. 

Benrey being here drew back every nightmare he had. Every fear he had. Every emotion he felt. Every regret he had. Every thought of second guessing between how he should've reacted, not reacted, went left instead or right, right instead of left. Every miniscule thought he had about the monster currently taking a shower in his bathroom.

His feelings were extremely mixed. He should be grateful that Benrey isn't trying to kill him. But he also can't get too comfortable given how erratic in choices Benrey makes. The dude couldn't even wait a minute for the elevator to go all the way down to the floor before! He felt like he should be more scared of Benrey but he also felt like he knew how to talk to him. He knew what Benrey usually needed to hear.

This was going to be difficult to deal with.


End file.
